a long slog of a day

today was my big first trimester screen & genetic counselling session. i was warned that it would be four hours long, but no one told me that 3/4 of that time would be a complete waste! i am not happy with mount sinai, and very glad that that is not where i'm having the baby.

first they herd half a dozen of us or so into a little room, where we watch the most useless "educational" video ever. it was about fifteen years old (or older, judging by the hideous dress the lead preggo was wearing) and offered the most basic information - the kind i've already seen in umpteen books and articles, and had already discussed at length with my widwife. actually, the info was way more basic than what i'd read and discussed already. did you know that there should be 46 chromosomes per gene? and that a birth defect caused by a gene is called a genetic birth defect? yeah, me too. at least it gave me time to finish my sudoku. what offended me most was the poorness of the script and the acting - i know that "pregnancy brain" is a common affliction (and indeed, it has diminished my sudoku skills), but we're not stupid. good grief!

next, i went to a little room to wait. a volunteer came in to fill out some forms. she asked what number pregnancy this was for me, i said third. she said, "so this is your third baby?" no, first. she got confused. what kind of idiots do they let into the specialty preggo wing who have never heard of miscarriage? hello, don't make this more difficult for me than it needs to be. then she went away, and i waited. and waited. and waited. for an hour. i guess that's what happens when you schedule 6 women for the same time - some of us have to wait. thank god i'd brought a newspaper, since there were no magazines. oh, and since the appointment was for 8 o'clock in the morning, i was exhausted (normally i go into work at ten, and i really needed those extra two hours of sleep) and starving, because i hadn't had time for breakfast. tired and hungry is a bad state when you're not preggo, but tired + hungry + preggo + being made to watch a stupid video and then sit in an empty room for an hour for no reason is extra bad. again: i hate mount sinai.

finally an old man doctor came in with a young male med student. personally, i think male doctors are great for male patients, but until you've grown a uterus yourself, i don't want you coming near mine. he went over the statistics yet again, offering no new insight, and asked what i thought of the film. i said it was a waste of time, didn't tell me anything i didn't already know, and that i'd already discussed everything with my midwife and i would get the nuchal translucency u/s and the bloodwork, but no amnio and no cvs, ever, full stop. "but what if-" no! did you not hear me the first time? then he asks the whole how-many-pregnancies-how-many-live-births question again, apparently because volunteer-girl swallowed my forms in a fit of pique. grr. i really have no interest in discussing this with steptoe and son. our chat was, shall we say, brief. to nonexistent.

they sent me out to wait for my ultrasound, in a waiting room with no magazines. by this point, i was reduced to reading the business supplement. finally, i go in to see the u/s tech. first thing she asks: how many pregnancies? how many live births? honestly, i think i'm going to punch the next person who asks me that. she starts probing, frowning at the monitor. i wait for her to tell me there's a heartbeat. and wait. and wait. the other u/s tech i've had would always start by letting me know she'd found a heartbeat and everything was fine. i started getting panicky and nervous - after all, it was at the first trimester screen for my last pregnancy that i found out i'd had a missed miscarriage. i guess i looked anxious, because the tech asked if i was okay, and i said i was just waiting for her to tell me if there was a heartbeat. she said there was (160 bpm!) and i was so relieved i almost fell asleep! but then of course, the wee one decided he was comfortable where he was, but the tech needed him to move. there was much belly-jiggling and coughing-on-demand to get him to move - and when he did move, he didn't move where he was supposed to! (i fear i know what the next twenty years are going to be like.) finally she got the measurement, everything is a-okay!! good news, for a change.

and off i went to wait some more, in another magazine-free waiting area, for bloodwork. i'd been to this waiting area once before, when i got bloodwork before my d&c last fall. that's right, they put the miscarryers in with the preggos. in fact, while i was weeping in a corner last fall, an entire tour group of expectant couples came through, all rosy and plump and happy. say it with me: i hate mount sinai! anyway, after a half-hour of leafing through the dreaded sports section, i finally got my blood drawn and got out of there, a mere 4 1/2 hours after i'd arrived.

had i known what i was in for, i would have said "no thanks" to the genetic counselling rubbish, and just booked the u/s at my usual lab, and have been in and out in under an hour. grrr!

wow, i'm angry, huh? i guess i should just be happy that the little one seems to be happy and healthy (measuring 12 weeks 6 days, 5 days ahead of where i thought i was!) but it still rankles. it will rankle less when i've caught up on my lost sleep.

in other news, i had a preggo mini-tragedy yesterday - i had worn a cute summer dress to work, one that's snug through the waist (more so now than ever before). at lunch, i thought i'd do some shopping, and tried on a pair of denim capris. the dress has a full skirt, so i didn't bother taking it off, just pulled on the capris underneath. so i was in the change room, bending down to fiddle with the cuffs, when pop! the zipper broke on my dress. leaving me pretty much exposed from armpit to hip on the left side. yikes! i managed to make it behave by quickly running the zipper up and down a few times, thank goodness. i bought a top to go with the capris though, just in case it didn't last the day. i guess that's the end of that dress. till next summer at least!

it's official: everyone is pregnant

bumped into a cousin on the subway this morning; she told me that another cousin of ours - we went to her wedding almost two years ago - just had a baby girl! no one even knew she was knocked up! (she lives in another city, obviously) also, a co-worker (who is also in our larger circle of friends, whom her boyfriend has been connected to for a decade) confessed this morning that she is ten weeks along! it was all i could do not to say "me too!" she is anxious due to spotting, and i tried to offer a bit of comfort and encouragement. wow. just wow.

in other news, i have the best husband in the world. yesterday after work he went shopping and bought me all sorts of healthy foods that i like and that the midwife recommended as good sources of calcium and whatnot. what a sweetie!

nothing to say

other than i'm awake! it's almost five o'clock in the morning, and i have been awake for close on two hours! my stomach is oogy, i think i'm getting acid reflux, and i haven't slept through the night in an age, it feels like. cousin preggo says "this is your body preparing you for parenthood. you won't ever sleep through the night again, get used to it now! you think your mammaries hurt? just wait!"

so, i'm catching up on my reading a bit, idly internet shopping at sites that don't even ship to canada, and otherwise wasting time. what fun. i'd rather be sleeping.

argh

big tummy troubles last night, not fun. serves me right for trying to eat something other than toast, i guess. and my stomach is hurting right now, but that has more to do with portuguese thugs and incompetent refs than anything preggo-related.

but i digress.

on friday i went out and bought a new bra! i have officially gone up a cup size (or a little more than). nothing is comfortable anymore, and la senza had a sale (bras for $8.50!), so i found something comfy to wear, and if i outgrow it, no biggie. i really need to do some shopping, as everything is uncomfortable. i'm not big enough yet for maternity wear though, and it seems silly to blow money on stuff i won't be able to wear for any length of time. i should invest in a couple of bella bands to ease the transition, i guess.

i did buy some fabric in the hopes of getting some sewing done this weekend, but just haven't had the drive (per usual). maybe next week - a long weekend! woo hoo!

speaking of, i was going to ask for friday off work (i have a four-hour doctor appointment - ultrasound, bloodwork, etc. etc.), but our office move is now scheduled for 7 july, so i don't think i can get the time off. and i do not want to tell my boss before it is absolutely necessary, as she was a supreme bitch about my last pregnancy, and made snotty comments to me (in front of my co-worker!) post-miscarriage. i really and truly hate her, she's just evil. blecch. so, i don't want her input on this any earlier than necessary (since there's no way she will ever keep her thoughts to herself). i am already practising my defelection phrases ("i'm glad that worked for you, but i'm following my doc's recommendations." repeat ad infinitum). and i'm already psyching myself up to report her to hr if she goes over the limit with the bitchiness. i should have reported her last winter, but i was too fragile/angry/depressed/frustrated/shocked to respond properly.

hoo, that was a vent.

in other, better news, we discovered a closer grocery store that has cheap & tasty chocolate cake, among other things. and good bakery bread, which is of course a staple of my diet. woo hoo!

so tired

went to a wedding last night (who gets married on a wednesday?) and was out till 1:30 in the morning! i can't remember the last time i was up that late, let alone out that late. today i feel like utter crap. what i wouldn't give for a nap!

time flies

well, i would be 11 weeks today, but my midwife recalculated my due date based on hegels protocol (or something along those lines), so now i'm due on the 13 january instead of the 11. i guess i can use the extra two days, but i want my baby now! or at least, i want the pukiness and pains in my hips to go away.

in other news, apparently the old wives' tale was right: stress can cause infertility. no surprise there, really. there was a study a few months ago connecting stress with early miscarriage - they had a study group of women and tested them every day for cortisol (a stress-related hormone) and pregnancy, and discovered that over 90% of the women who had early miscarriages (many so early they might not have been detected if the women were not getting bloodwork done constantly) had high levels of cortisol - way above average. the latest study shows a correlation between stress and ovulation problems (they also suggest that having clowns in ivf clinics would reduce stress - i think that would only work if the woman undergoing treatment was allowed to beat the clown up).

for us, i know reducing stress helped. in the month before i got pregnant (after i read the first study), i made a conscious effort to reduce stress in my life, and to not let life stress me out. i spent a lot of time counting to ten and breathing deeply and reminding myself that since i'm not a surgeon or a firefighter, no one is going to die if something goes wrong.

a big part of de-stressing was not thinking about conceiving. i stopped reading ttc and pregnancy forums. i abandoned the fiend (aka fertility friend - no pal of mine!), which led to too much hyperanalysis of meaningless details. i kept taking my temperature, but just wrote the numbers down in order on a piece of paper, to help me resist the urge to compare charts for signs. i tried not to dwell on it.

lo and behold, i am now at almost 11 weeks! and last week's ultrasound shows a healthy little embryo.

you would think people would be happy to hear good news, wouldn't you? but it seems a lot of the infertility crowd - the women who have so much of their lives invested solely in their ability to be pregnant - are not happy, not happy at all. they see it as blame-the-victim talk. they've already had their mothers-in-law tell them "just relax and stop worrying about it, and you'll get pregnant." and truly, stress isn't the only thing to cause infertility.

but it is a factor. and it's a factor for a lot of people. and if reducing stress can help a number of women overcome their infertility, isn't that what matters most?

appointments

so yesterday we went to see the midwife, and talked about my diet (which is atrocious, apparently taking my vitamins does not mean i am allowed to live on all toast, all the time), and possible risks (history of diabetes? no, thank goodness) - apparently my old heart murmur, which i downplayed as being "the kind that's no big deal," could be a big deal. so pam wants me to get my doctor to refer me to a cardiologist to get it checked out. kind of scary. i peed on a stick, and everything looks good as far as sugar and protein goes.

then this morning, i went for a follow-up ultrasound. the bean is now 4 cm long! twice its previous size! and, i wasn't nearly as scared this time.

so far so good i guess...

it's so sad!

i just caught myself getting weepy. at the stupidest thing known to man. it was the end of part two of six million dollar man: the secret of bigfoot where the lonely alien lady has to erase steve austin's memory before sending him back to the camp where oscar is pining for him. and they're all sad, because they shared so much. and i got all sniffly. for crying out loud! god. i think that's a new low in preg-related weepiness.

in other news, i spent a good amount of time with cousin preggo on the weekend, which was nice. esp. since we seem to be going through the exact same things at the exact same times. the hips popping out! the pain! the pukiness! the rabbit pellets! the insatiable desire for bread and butter!

the tricky part was a family bbq where everyone knew cousin was preggers, but no one knows about me yet. sever exercise in holding my tongue with that one. very very tricky.

and, i managed to get more gardening done. i am using that as an excuse for why i am so stiff and crappy feeling now. the hip thing is driving me nuts - i wasn't expecting that kind of symptom until i am Great With Child. right now, i am not showing, and not getting any of the benefits of guilt and self-righteousness that are the pregnant woman's prime weapons in dealing with day to day life. cousin preggo is with me on this one. she was grocery shopping, and starving, so started eating a loaf of raisin bread in the supermarket. everyone looked at her like she was crazy. if she was showing, she'd get sympathetic nods! maybe some nice young mum would offer tips on the best brands of crackers even. but no, she just looks like a slim crazy woman. me, i can not wait for the day i can order people to give up their seats on the subway.

well.

yesterday (officially nine weeks, i think?) i had the tiniest tiniest bit of spotting ever, but of course it freaked me out. felt like utter hell yesterday; had to work late weds (didn't get out of there till after seven), and yesterday had to be in early, was super busy all day, and overate at lunch, resulting in feeling horrible for the rest of the day. i couldn't even eat the chicken noodle soup that my husband brought me for dinner. i didn't even have one bite of toast.

in other news, my left hip keeps going out. or something. this never happened last time. i don't even know how to describe it, it's a shooting pain deep inside and all of a sudden i can't stand. last time i had a bit of what i thought was sciatica (pain in the buttock, travelling down the leg), but not like this. this is crazy hurty.

very glad the weekend is now, let me tell you!

feeling almost normal... almost *too* normal...

i'm starting to get some of my energy back. did a lot of napping on saturday, but spent sunday in the garden, and did some more weeding last night. it's great to feel like i'm finally getting things accomplished! although, there is the part of me that worries that if i don't feel awful, then something is terribly wrong. of course, last year i kept having symptoms after the heartbeat stopped, so i really have no idea. can't wait for the next ultrasound.

million dollar idea

how about this: a 24-hour bakery/cafe geared to preggos. lots of lemony stuff, ice cream, cake, pickles, and a few spicy dishes for the 41-weekers desperately trying the get labour started. in the right neighbourhood (forest hill? the beach?) it would be a licence to print money.

i came up with this idea last night at the 24-hour grocery, where we seem to be spending a lot of time lately. the shopping list: milk, cat food, bread, crackers, cheese, cheese, crackers, cereal, cake, ice cream, and five kinds of soup. so well-rounded!

in other news, we had dinner with friends last night (before our graocery run), and i, in my current unstoppable forgetfulness, left behind my umbrella and handbag. did not realise until we got to the grocery store. glad i was with my husband, who of course had keys and money! not smart. worse luck, i started feeling queasy (forgot my afternoon dose of diclectin), and then remembered that the diclectin was of course in my handbag, meaning that i was extra queasy this morning. i tried the other thing my midwife suggested - keep almonds by your bedside, and have a few before going to bed, and a few when you (inevitably) wake up in the night, to keep your blood sugar levels from dropping. i felt not bad in the morning, although i then foolishly lay in bed with the paper for an hour without eating, and started getting the queasies again. almonds to the rescue! just a couple and i started to feel a bit better.

my dream birth

my dream birth is one where i have a healthy baby, and preferably no episiotomy, because the thought of that grosses me right out.

i was just reading the birth story of a woman who went overdue, then didn't dilate despite inducement, then ended up having to get a c-section.

now, i wouldn't want to get a c-section, for the simple reason that i wouldn't want to have any kind of surgery. no knives, please.

but the big concern of this woman (and others i have read) is that she wasn't getting "the birth she'd always dreamed of."

am i the only pregnant lady who hasn't spent any time dreaming about the birth? to me the point is the baby, not the delivery. i was the same with our wedding - yes, we wanted it to be lovely and for everyone to have a good time, but it wasn't worth freaking out over. as long as we ended up married at the end of the day, that was all that really mattered.

the whole ideal-birth thing just seems like training to be one of those crazy-cult mommies, who fret over junior's every moment, competing to get into the right nursery school and to see how many hours a day of extra-curricular activities they can schedule.

it just all seems so pointless.

i mean, some women even talk about "grieving" their imperfect birth experiences. of "mourning" the "loss" of that experience. dude, you got a baby. be happy for crying out loud!

in other lighter news, i did some preggo shopping yesterday. no "official" maternity wear yet for this one (i'm still mad at thyme maternity - never shop there), just went to the dreaded winners and picked up a few things a size or too larger than i normally wear (mostly mediums, a few larges, and actually one small). i picked up a bunch of those 80s-style ruched t-shirts with the band at the bottom that i don't like at all, but all the kids downtown are wearing. i figure they'll keep things discreetly camouflaged for a while. it was so nice to be able to get dressed today and not find everything just that much too small!

r & r = rest & more rest

no recreation here, just sleep sleep sleep. my poor husband must be running out of excuses for why i keep missing parties and events. this week alone i missed the closing party for a friend's photography show, another friend's cd release, a housewarming party, and turned down tickets to the griffin prize gala. but sleep is all i want to do.

my husband has been incredible through all of this. it's been a crazy year for both of us, with last fall's heartbreak, moving house, and me being laid up a good deal of the time, but he is just awesome, cooking dinner while i nap, cleaning up while i nap some more, taking care of the kitty litter despite his cat allergies, missing work to come to appointments with me, and roaming the city looking for my late-night cravings. i am so grateful to have him. every day is confirmation that i married exactly the right person. i can't wait for the legendary second-trimester burst of energy, so i can make up for the current housework imbalance!

heartbeat!

we have a picture! which i will scan & post later. i was fine (ish) until we got the the ultrasound place, and then i started getting paranoid - having to fill out forms, same technician as last time... i guess she could sense my mood because before she started the mumbling-measurements-into-a-microphone part of the deal, she said "there's a baby and there's a heartbeat - you can relax now." my lovely husband came with me so we both got our fist look together.

also, there is only one. i was wrong about twins - so much for women's intuition! i'm a bit relieved though - while having two at once does seem more efficient (especially since at my age, i'm really pushing it - we were at the point where we had said we'd stop trying when we found out i was pregnant), it does increase the risk of complications hugely.

i'm just happy it's healthy!

8 weeks!

today i am officially 8 weeks along! woo hoo! tomorrow is the first ultrasound. can't wait to see the little guys, and see if i'm right that it's twins. plus i've been having lots of weird feelings today. insides feel quite ripped up. not happy. it will be good to see exactly what is going on in there.

also, spoke to my doctor's office this morning - my genetic-screening-for-geriatric-first-timers is set for the 30 june. after that, we'll be good to tell the world, i guess. although obviously i can't help feeling a little trepidacious considering how things worked out last time.

but enough of that! gotta think positive!